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In an attempt to influence the members of the international olympic committee on their
choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organisers of Dublin's bid have
already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is
reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city
(preferably from Darndale area), wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball
cap and a balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip pan
situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous olympic games, Ireland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In
order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the
advantage of local Dublin athletes
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm),
and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10
yards behind the athletes
100 METRES HURDLES
As above, but with added obstacles (ie car bonnets, hedges, garden,fences/walls etc).
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, ballplane,
sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to
members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in
five minutes.
LONG JUMP/HIGH JUMP
These events have been amalgamated and will be referred to simply as 'A Jump'. Mixed
teams, in loose fitting clothing only.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a
moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office counter
clerk, bank teller or an Securicor style wages delivery man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a
Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Guinness, while the wife will be told
not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike sheds and take an expensive
mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the "country" (anywhere outside
Dublin), on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team,
who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding, and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and
bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off a bridge on the Liffey. The first three survivors back will
decide the medals.
MENS 50 km WALK
Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of
anyone walking the streets of Dublin.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Tallaght 'Health in
the Community' anti drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Artane
Boys Band and RTE Symphony Orchestra (if still in existence).
The olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it
from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all
the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
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